Main Bulaoon, Awaz doon aur Tum na aao, Eisa Toh Kabhi ho hi Nahi Sakta

Phir vahi nazar, vahi badi badi bhoori aankhen aur phir vahi mujhe dekh kar shokhi ke saath palkon ka jhapkana.

"Oye sun na, bore ho rahi hoon yaar"



Aur phir vahi ada ke saath ubaasi lene ka natak karte hue mere kandhe par uska sar ka tikana.
"Class mein suna karo ke kya bol rahe hain, filhal mere notes copy karke kaam chala rahi ho, aage zindagi mein kya karogi?? " Hamesha ki tarah mera shikayat karna.
"Tum hoge na vahan bhi mera saath dene ko, my best friend" Hamesha ki tarah muskurate hue uska vahi purana jawab.
Best friend. Is label se mujhe nafrat bhi thi aur ye haqeeat bhi thi ke is label ke bina jeena mera muhaal tha.

Mere Humnafas, Mere Humnawa,
Mujhe Dost Ban Ke Daga Na De
Main Hoon sadma-e-Ishq Se Jaan-Valab,
Mujhe Zindagi Ki Dua Na De.

Use shayad khabar bhi nahi ke mere dil mein kya hai. Ke kaise main use dekh dekh jeeta hoon aur kaise mera use dekh dekh hi dam nikalta hai. Uske liye toh main uska sabse achha dost hoon jo uske har achhe bure mein uske saath hota hai. Jab vo hasti hai uske saath hasta hai aur jab vo roti hai toh uske chehre se ashq ponchhne ko sabse pehla jiska haath hota hai. Aey kaash ke use khabar ho ke ye silsila mehez saath hasne aur saath rone se kahin aage nikal chuka hai.
Kaash use khabar ho ke vo hasti hai toh kis tarah mere dil ki dhadkan tez ho jaati hai aur vo ghamzada hoti toh kaise mera dil bethne lagta hai. Aey kaash ke use khabar ho ke kaise main baar baar uski nazar bacha kar uska deedar karta hoon, uske chehre ko apni nazar se chhuta hoon aur ye sochta hoon ke uske bina kabhi jeena pada toh kya karunga. Kaise guzarunga ye din aur kaise kaatunga apni raat.

Sochta hoon ke kaisi hogi zindagi jo yun hi kabhi vo bhi meri mohabbat ka iqraar kar le.
"Yaar vo kal wala assignment banaya?"

"Haan" Maine jawab diya

Usne usi masoomiyat ke saath apni aankhen gol gol ghumate hue meri taraf dekha aur maine bina kuchh kahe, bina kuhh sune uska matlab samajhte hue kaha ?Shaam ko ghar aakar de jaoonga. Kar lena copy?
"Thank you so much. You are my best friend" Vo khushi se kisi chhoti bachchi ki tarah khush hoti aage badhi aur mere gale mein baahen daal kar mujhse lipat gayi.

Best Friend.

Kaise kahoon, kaise samjhaoon ke main usse zyada hona chahta hoon. Ke main usse mohabbat karta hoon. Par kambakht alfaaz hain ke na jaane kyun zubaan tak aakar hi ruk jaate hain. Ehsaas hain ke na jaane kyun dil mein dhadkan ban kar hi dhadakte reh jaate hain. Khwahish hai ke na jaane kyun aankhon se toh numaya hoti hai par lafzon ka roop lekar kabhi zubaan ki sidhiyan nahi utarti.
Na jaane kyun.


PART 2 - April 21st, 2002


"Yaar please saath chal na. Main ghar par kya keh kar jaoon ke 3 din ke liye kahan ja rahi hoon?"
"Apni doston ke saath, aur kahan"

"Mere dad kabhi nahi maanenge is baat ke liye ke akeli ladkiyan shehar se bahar ghoomne ko ja rahi hain. Tu keh de ke saath chal raha hai"

Phir ek baar uske liye jhooth aur har baar ki tarah is baar bhi khushi se. Aur vo bhi shayad ye baat jaanti hai ke vo kuchh kahe aur main mana kar doon aisa shayad hi kabhi ho.
"Haq hai mera tumhare uper"

Aisa vo kehti hai aur aisa main samajhta hoon, manta hoon. Aur chahta hoon ke ye haq bana rahe, isi tarah, hamesha ki tarah, zindagi bhar. Aur koshish karta hoon ke use bata sakun ke main yun hi uske naaz uthana chahta hoon. Jahan vo kadam rakhti hai us zameen ko chommna chahta hoon. Ke uski kadam-bosi karna chahta hoon aur apna dil uske kadamon mein rakhte hue use ye ikhtiyaar dena chahta hoon ke vo chahe toh apna le, vo chahe toh thukra de.

Mujhe Chhod De Mere Haal Par,
Tera Kya Bharosa Hai Chaaragar
Yeh Teri Nawazish-e-Mukhtasar,
Mera Dard Aur Badha Na De.

"Yaar tu na hota na, seriously bahut akeli hoti main"
Par main use kaise samjhaoon ke meri kash-makash kya hai. Ke kaise main jab uske saath hota hoon toh mehfil mein bhi hota hoon aur tanhai bhi saath nahi chhodti. Ke kaise uske hone se duniya rangeen ho jaati hai aur lagta hai ke har taraf mehfil hai. Par is khyaal se ke vo meri mohabbat se bekhabar hai, kis qadar udaasi mere dil mein ghar kar leti hai. Kis tarah se bheed ke beech uska haath thaame bhi khud ko akela pata hoon main.
Kaise kahoon, kaise samjhaoon ke main usse zyada hona chahta hoon. Ke main usse mohabbat karta hoon. Par kambakht alfaaz hain ke na jaane kyun zubaan tak aakar hi ruk jaate hain. Ehsaas hain ke na jaane kyun dil mein dhadkan ban kar hi dhadakte reh jaate hain. Khwahish hai ke na jaane kyun aankhon se toh numaya hoti hai par lafzon ka roop lekar kabhi zubaan ki sidhiyan nahi utarti.
Na jaane kyun.

PART 3 - May 13th, 2003

"Do you really have to go? I mean you could a job here too"
Vo poori koshish kar rahi thi ke apni aawaz mein jhalak rahe bhaaripan ko, apne aankhon mein jhalak rahi nami ko chhupa sake par kaamyab nahi ho pa rahi thi.
"Its just for a few years you know and it will be a boost for my career to start my work life working abroad with a company like that. Down the line i can come back and get a good package to work here" Maine jawab diya.
"Or you might just like it there and not come back at all "
Aur uske is jumle ne jaise hazaron baatein keh di, uska sabse bada darr numaya kar diya.
" Hey !? Maine uska haath pakadte hue kaha ?We will always stay in touch and when i finally move back here, we will still be friends, Best friends"
Usne muskurane ki koshish ki par saaf zahir tha ke vo sirf mera dil rakhne ke liye thi. Pata nahi main aisa kyun kar raha hoon, kyun is job ke bahane usse door jaane ki koshish kar raha hoon. Kya sach main apne career ke liye ye kadam utha raha hoon ya sirf isliye ja raha hoon ke usse kuchh din ke liye door ho sakun. Apne us har jazbaat se door ho sakun jo uske naam se shuru hokar uske naam par khatam ho jaate hain.
Kya main isliye door ja raha hoon ke mujhe ek achhi zindagi mil sake ya main ye koshish kar raha hoon ke apne zindagi ko ek alag nazariye se dekh sakun. Ek aisa nazariya jahan meri nazar sirf ek usi ki tasveer na ho. Main aaj tak usse apne dil ki baat nahi keh saka hoon. Kai baar koshish ki hai par har baar zubaan ladkhada jaati hai.
Ek ehsaas jo kabhi dil ko sukoon deta tha ab takleef dene laga hai. Main bahut arse se uske ishq mein deewana hoon aur aaj tak usse is baare mein ek alfaaz kehna toh door, kabhi isharon isharon mein bhi nahi jata saka.
Dil mein hazaron baatein hai, hazaron ehsaas hain jo ab andar hi andar se mujhe todne lage hain. Dam sa ghutne laga hai mera. Lagta hai main ek aisi machine hoon jise ek ek purza kharab ho chuka hai. Mere khyaal, meri soch kabhi usse door hoti hi nahi. Kabhi ek pal ke liye sukoon milta hi nahi.
Na toh keh pata hoon aur na chup raha ja raha hai. Shayad usse kuchh din door rahun toh kuchh sukoon mile.

PART 3 - Dec 13th, 2004

"Kya hua, tum toh bade bahane bana rahe the ke meri shaadi mein nahi aa paoge, ab kya hua? "
Mujhe dekh kar vo usi masoomiyat ke saath, kisi chhoti bachchi ki tarah ithlati hui aage badhi aur apne makeup se bekhabar, apne dulhan ke libaas se bekhabar, aas paas khade logon se bekhabar, aur aisi hi tamam cheezon se bekhabar hokar meri gale mein baahen daalti hui lipat gayi.
"Mujhe pata tha tum zaroor aaoge, bhale lakh kaam ho tumhein. Main bulaoon, aawaz doon aur tum na aao, aisa toh kabhi ho hi nahi sakta"

Aur aaj uski shaadi hai.


Woh Uthein Hain Leke khum-o-Subu,
Arrey O ?Shakeel? Kahan Hain Tu
Tera Jaam Lene Ko Bazm Mein
Koi Aur Haath Badha Na De!

Aur kisi aur ne haath badha hi diya. Main kinare khada dekhta hi reh gaya, sochta hi reh gaya aur meri kashti ko nakhuda ban kar dariya mein koi aur le gaya. Mere jazbaat zubaan tak aa hi na sake aur vo kisi aur ka jazba ban gayi. Mera dil uske naam par dhadakta hi reh gaya aur kisi aur ne apna naam uske saath jod bhi liya. Meri aankhen uske ehsaas se nam hi reh gayi aur koi aur uski aankhon ka kajal ban gaya.
Usne phone par mujhe bataya tha ke vo shaadi kar rahi hai aur main bahane banane ki koshish karta raha ke kaise mere passport ki koi problem hai, kaise main filhal india nahi aa sakta, kaise mujhe hazaar kaam hain, kaise main filhal bahut busy hoon aur ek vo thi ke muskura kar sirf itna hi kaha ke vo jaanti hai ke main aaonga zaroor.
Aur main ek baar phir uske dar par aa khada hua.
Saalon se badi khwahish thi ke uske dulhan ke roop mein dekhun. Dekhun ke kaise laal rang uske gore rang par phabta hai. Dekhun ke shaadi ki vo chamak, vo raunak uske chehre par kaisi lagti hai. Dekhun ke jab vo ban than kar aaye toh kaise mehfil ki har ladki uske saamne mamooli ho jaaye.
Aur jaisa socha tha vaisa hi aaj ho bhi raha hai, farq sirf itna hai ke laal rang aaj kisi aur ke naam ka hai. Angoothi kisi aur ke naam ki hai, maang ka sindor kisi aur ke naam ka hai.
Aaj vo sar se paon tak kisi aur ke naam ki hai.
Main khada sochta hi reh gaya aur meri duniya jaise neelam ho gayi, kisi aur ke naam ho gayi.

Kabhi jaam lab se laga diya,
kabhi muskurake hata diya,
teri chhed chhad ye saqiya,
meri tashnagi ko bhadha na de.

"Mujhe pata tha tum aaoge, thank you. You are my best friend" Vo boli.
Kaise kahoon, kaise samjhaoon ke main usse zyada hona chahta hoon. Ke main usse mohabbat karta hoon. Par kambakht alfaaz hain ke na jaane kyun zubaan tak aakar hi ruk jaate hain. Ehsaas hain ke na jaane kyun dil mein dhadkan ban kar hi dhadakte reh jaate hain. Khwahish hai ke na jaane kyun aankhon se toh numaya hoti hai par lafzon ka roop lekar kabhi zubaan ki sidhiyan nahi utarti.
Na jaane kyun.